Getting older

I was thinking about getting old today. I’m not sure why, maybe because I was tired after a long day of trying to keep up with a 2year old and a 3year old or maybe I was dreading how quickly the weekend will pass and the work week return, but whatever the reason I was thinking about getting old and several things came to mind.

When we were in grade school they told use they were preparing us for middle school, in middle school we were getting ready for high school. High school - for college, college -for life, you get the idea.  Each period of our life we seems to be looking forward preparing for what comes next.

When we were 14 or 15 we couldn’t wait to be old enough to drive. When we were 18 we wanted to be old enough to drink. At 50 we thought about retirement but then when we are 75 we’ll wish we were young enough to still work. So it goes, as we wish our life away, always wishing we were some age that we are not.

I always said that age didn’t matter to me. I wasn’t sad to turn 30, 40 or even 50. I don’t lie about my age, except I sometimes get confused and say I'm a year older than I am.  When my clients ask how old I am (Yes, they ask how old I am because not all have a good understanding of social skills and ask all kind of personal questions) I tell them. Yes, I’ve always said after the age of 21 age doesn’t matter but that was before I realized my body was going to betray me.

I planned to be the 85 year old grandma jumping out of a plane for the first time (not literally, I’m too much of a chicken for that), floating down the Colorado River, running in the Boston Marathon or taking up mountain climbing. I was going to be healthy and energetic, with energy to spare. Then my body let me down.

When I was young, I hadn’t heard words like rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia, phlebitis or lymphatic edema. I had never been told that I shouldn't run or ride for long periods or lift too much. I lived my early years as a very thin person with limitless energy and enough dreams and schemes to fill volumes. Then somewhere around 28 the health problems began. By the time I was 30 the doctor told me I had the body of a 60year old, he later clarified the remark by saying he was referring to my medical problems and not my appearance. At age 37 I was involved in a hit and run with a drunk driver and thus began the downward spiral into poor health. My health is sometimes worse than others, interfering with my ability to work and other times it is just a pain, frustration and an annoyance.

My doctor told me a couple years ago that she expected me to live to an old age but the comment wasn’t very comforting because she added, “You will probably live to be very old, like your grandmothers. You are going to feel like hell but you will live a long life.” So you see I will not be climbing any mountains, running in marathons or jumping out of airplanes (I still may float a few more rivers). But I do hope to continue working at least another 15-20years. I want to be able to play in the park with my grandchildren and enjoy a water-park from time to time.

When I look in a mirror, I no longer recognize the person that looks back at me. She is heavy and I never was, she wears glasses and my husband used to call me eagle eyes, her hair is graying and curly and mine was blonde and barely wavy.  If I look closely I can still recognize her blue eyes and her smile but most is not familiar to me. So I remind myself that there are still many positives in my life, people that I love and who love me, a husband, daughters and grandchildren that think I am special and accept me as I am now and a job that I find fulfilling and meaningful. So even though I sometimes avoid mirrors and photos, other times I just smile at that old woman and tell her she is fine just the way she is and move on with my day.